a man comes home from the pub drunk

[richardbarby]

Early one morning a man comes home from the pub hammered. His wife is sleeping up stairs and the cat is sleeping on the stairs . He trips up the stairs as he tries to get up he throws up over the cat. looking down at the vomit and the cat he says

i dont remeber eating that

[NeckFace]

man walks into a bar


ouch

[Tuatara]

A horse goes into a bar. The barman goes "why the long face?"

[NeckFace]

what do you get when you cross an elephant with a kangaroo?

holes all over australia

[richardbarby]

i like how this is snowballing

[richardbarby]

time to upset some of you 

a blonde goes to the doctors after being sick several mornings in a row after a brieft check up the doctors tells her your pregnant

very excitedly she says is it mine?

[Big D]

Man walks into the bar to meet his mates.

"Guys, I have this great new blonde joke" he says.

Before he can start telling it, this blonde woman stands up "Oi mate, before you start, you might want to consider that I am a lawyer and blonde, my freind here is a doctor and shes blonde and my other friend here is a rocket scientist and she is also blonde. Do you think you may like to reconsider telling your "Joke"?"

 The guys thinks for a minute before replying "You're right love, I really can't be bothered explaining it 3 times".

[richardbarby]

Q how did bob marley like his dounut

A with jam in

[richardbarby]

Q how do you kill a circus

A go for the juggler

[richardbarby]

6 men are ship weaked  ona deserted islansd after there boat sinks

there are 2 englishmen 2 scots men and 2 kiwis

after 6 weeks they get rescued by a passing ship. however by the time they get pulled from the island they have made great efforts to moke there selves at home
the 2 scots have made a distilery and have begun making wiskey
the 2 kiwis have cut down a few trees and make a set of rugby posts and have been playign touch with the scots

the 2 englishmen where still on the beach waiting to be formally introduced

[richardbarby]

how to give a cat medicine

   STEP ONE carfully pit medicine in the middle of cat food
watch as cat eats round it

 STEP TWO grab cat wrap in towel stuff medicne in to mouth rub neck till swallowed
put plasters on to cuts and watch as cat spits medicine out

 STEP THREE repete step 2 5 times till cat eats medicine

how to give a dog medicine

STEP ONE  wrap in bacon

[Amy ちゃん]

Bloke says to wife
"Your arse is the size of a three burner BBQ."

Later in bed he says
"fancy a shag?!"

Wife says "No point lighting a BBQ for half a fecken sausage."

[richardbarby]

on a sinking boat there are 2 people on bored about to jump and swim for shore however there is a shark in the waters in between one will make it one will get eaten

the 2 people one is a gold medal winning swimmerthe other is a over weight lawer /whitch one makes it the shore ?

the lawyer. because a shark would never eat a lawyer out of professional courtesy

[Fodderboy]

The bartender says, "We don't allow time travellers in here."

A man walks into a bar.

[Monkey King]

A Polar Bear walks into a bar, the bartender smiles and asks, "So, What'll it be?" The Polar Bear says, "I'll have a a Whiskey and........... .............. .............. .............. .............. ..


...........




.............






..........




............





.............. ...





............



.............C oke thanks." The bartender looks at the Polar Bear strangely and replies saying, "Sure, but why the pig pause?" The Polar Bear looks down and shrugs, "Dunno, had them all my life."

[richardbarby]

technology christmas presents

for the husband the ipod
for the son the ipad
for the daughter the ipad
and for the wife the iron

[richardbarby]

3 men are in a pub standing at one end of the bar at the other end is a  hot 6 foot tall woman

one of the men goes to the bar orders 3 beers walks up to the woman puts the 3 beers down in a line

x

y

z

he asked the woman if X is the goal keeper Y is the attacking forward and Z is the last defender and the ball is played through to the forward what is he ? After only 2 seconds she says hes offside.
thanks says the man picks up his beers walks back to his mates and says

 yep its a man